I apologize again. This isn't part of my blog but I feel like I should write about this part of my life. No one should go through these kinds of things and I know some people that are, people that I love. Those people are in my prayers and I pray that they can over come this. There are also people that have it way worse than I did and I pray for those people too. These are my feeling toward what happened, I never really told anyone about how I felt during this time. Most of this stuff I don't remember at all.
Ahh to be 10 again. Running around playing with friends without a care in the world. Having grand mal seizures and wondering what is going on. Your thinking a 10 year old shouldn't be going through that. I certainly did. I have been having a hard time talk about this part of my life, its hard to explain the feeling I feel when i talk about it.
When I was in high school the seizures showed up again and went away for a couple of years... till October of 2009. I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, clogged artery's in the heart, and something to do with my frontal lobes in my brain and oxygen. All of this wasn't what was attacking my body. From October 2009 - mid March of 2010 maybe longer I was having 7-8 grand mal seizures a day and passing out 5-7 times a day. At first I would just pass out than they started to become seizures. Than I started to stay awake during them. I was taking 2 different seizure medications, 1 or 2 different kinds of blood pressure, anti depressants and anti anxiety I think I was taking more but I cant remember. Also I had heart monitors put on me for 2 weeks and an EEG that I took home to sleep in, that was so uncomfortable and I looked like an alien haha. I heard somewhere that I was going to get a pacemaker put in but I ended up not. During these I sometimes can hear people talking but I can't react. Something was controlling my body and I didn't like it. I would bang my head to the wall to make myself pass out so I wouldn't have to see myself go through this.
In the month of November I had the flu, bladder infection, ringworm, chest pain, the seizures, and ear aches. That month I wanted to die. For those 5 months I was depressed and was planning my suicide. I had no reason to live, I DID NOT want to live like this for the rest of my life. I couldn't walk, take a shower, sleep, sit down, lay down, eat, or be alone without someone there helping me. Whenever I would wake up from these I couldn't remember who I was, where I was and be in extreme pain either from falling or muscle aches. I would always get bad head aches after I had an episode.Everyday I worried, I wondered what was going to happen. If I would have that seizure that would kill me and if I would be a vegetable. I didn't want days to end so I wouldn't have to start over everyday. I put my parents through so much. My mother would take me to St. George once in a while just to get away from everything and to see if it would help. I have never seen them cry so much.
Once in a while I would see my now deceased grandma and grandpas. I would talk to them and laugh at what they were saying. They would hold my hand and try to talk to my parents too. ( this is what my parents told me). My parents were so confused.
I have lost so many friends because of this. They either say I can't handle this or just leave and never talk to me again. This is when they witness my seizures. Even during school I have been called stupid and dumb. They would tell me that I wouldn't be able to go to high school cause I'm to stupid and the school won't have resource classes. Well look at me now people you all were wrong.
I lost count on how many times I've been to the hospital, neurologist, cardiologists, seizure specialists, and just doctors. Some of them would say I don't know and send me on my way. Some thought I was faking it to get attention. Now why would I fake something horrible like this and put my body and mind through all of that.
We went to a cardiologist in Provo. We told him practically my life story and he knew exactly what was wrong. I had neurocardiogenic syncope, low sodium, and low blood pressure. Neurocardiogenic syncope is a temporary loss of consciousness associated with a drop in arterial blood pressure, quickly followed by a slowed heart rate. http://www.nwocc.com/Pt%20Education/neuro_syncope.pdf this website will tell you about it.
I started taking blood pressure medications and I was back. I still had seizures here and there. Usually 3-4 a month. But I was glad I wasn't having 7-8 of them a day.
Now because of what happened throughout my life, it has effected my learning skills. I took resource classes and special testing from elementary to high school. In college I failed math 970 (pre algebra) twice, and math 1010 (algebra) 4 times. I finally seeked help from vocational rehab. They did some testing to see why I'm failing math so much. They said I had social anxiety, math learning disability (dyslexic) and mild depression. My math level was at a 4th grade. I took the test again in 5 months and it went down to 3rd. I try really hard to do math, its not my fault I don't know how to do it. It only happened when I mainly took tests. I did the one on one, math tutors, and isolated testing and it still didn't work. I would get the answers wrong but the problems right if I wrote them out. I would type it in my calculator and when it goes from the calculator to my brain to the paper that's when I write a whole different number and not the one on the calculator. I'm thinking the whole time its the right number, but its not. My numbers would get so mixed up during this time. So they ended up me skipping math 1010 cause of the grants and the disability program at Snow. I went straight to Quantitative Literacy ( math history) and I passed with flying colors. I graduated Snow College in 2012 for a arts degree that took me 5-6 years to get when it was only a 2 year program.
They sent me to therapy cause they thought I needed it from what happened and also Snow College gave me a peer mentor and I went to therapy there also. The peer mentor helped me on my good days when I wanted to go to a class, mainly Japanese class, even though I dropped out they let me go to that class. The therapy helped a lot. I went from being depressed, jobless, no money, seizures all the time, and failing school to getting engaged, having a wonderful job, happy, and starting a new life. I graduated from Vough rehab after I got married. Life couldn't get any better, and it did. I knew the day I went to Wal-mart without using a wheelchair was the day I could take a breath without worrying. I came home crying to my dad and said "Dad I didn't use a wheelchair today. I could walk around on my own for the first time in months".
My husband took me to a herbalist and she helped me so much. She was gradually getting me off my meds and it was working. This was when I was having 3 a month. We were trying to make them stop before we got married so we wouldn't have to worry. We didn't the wedding was amazing and nothing went wrong.
Today, I have been seizure free for a year, haven't had one since I got pregnant. Have and amazing husband and a very handsome baby boy. Although pregnancy scared me, I didn't want to put my baby at risk if something went wrong. I was afraid I would have an episode if when I actually had the baby. I had a couple of scares during pregnancy and labor but I kept saying "if I do this right now it will hurt my baby" and I would get my mind off of it. Pregnancy was hard on me especially 1st and 3rd trimesters. But I heard other people had it worse so I was grateful I was healthy and the baby was. I had people helping me 24/7 so if something did go wrong I had help. I wasn't gonna let this stupid disability prevent me from having children. My baby is growing everyday with no health problems at all. He did have breathing problems and was 2 weeks early but he is as healthy as can be and I am grateful.
I have been off my medication for a year and haven't had any problems since May of 2013. I am grateful for all the people that have helped me throughout these hard times.
